Constructive criticism would you read this?

[austinjames]

Here are the first five panels of a script I've been working on; I'm new to writing so I'm just looking for some tips/constructive criticism.


PAGE 1
Introduction: Taking place in 2250 A.D. In the small galaxy of Sagittarius Elliptical.
PANEL 1
The dark remains of a seemingly inhabitable planet; from which a man, Lux Capitis (Lucas), flies away.
Caption 1: Planet Debitume, 2250 A.D. - Dwarf galaxy Sagittarius Elliptical.
Narration 1: Once a member of the ‘Rutilus’ Federation, the planet declared totalitarian rule over its territories.
Narration 2: Mislead by the castigations of Empraestigi, Debitume's militias were ordered to seize control over weaker and developing areas.
Panel 2
The planet is getting further away as Lucas flies closer to the stratosphere. The magnitude of the destruction becomes more comprehensive as a wider view of Debitume is seen.
Narration 1: Empraestigi’s empire began to grow, as he attacked the weak and defenseless; eventually gaining enough power to attack another planet, Elspes.
Narration 2: While Empraestigi did not gain total control, the Planet was debilitated. The planets infrastructure was left broken and its people devoid of hope.
Panel 3
Lucas flies toward the atmosphere, never looking back, as the full illumination of Debitume crumbles in his path.
Narration 1: I was a member of the SGD, an elite military group designed to protect the federate states when their own militias failed... Or at least that’s what I thought.
Narration 2: We were only to stop attacks from outside of the galaxy, never were we to interfere with the sovereignty of the territories.
Panel 4
Lucas lands on one of the moons of Debitume, painfully looking upon the destruction of his planet.

Narration 1:, We were told not to aid the planets, rather, to watch them.

Narration 2: It was the paladins jobs to protect the planet, and ours to observe.
Panel 5
Narration 1: But when my planet was taken over by thieves, I could not bare to watch.

Narration 2: I tried to fight back, but HE stopped me, my planet was demolished.
Narration 3: I am Lux, and this is the story of
Debitume.

[Earl Geier]

Nothing wrong with it.
I would start with panel 3 "I am Lux", though, to start the story off quicker, and try to work the earlier background in as casually as possible through dialogue.
Earl Geier

[darkersho]

...he should see something that triggers his past, he's saying what he was as he's escaping the impending doom. But how about he has a picture of his comrades there in the cockpit, or some other clever device.

You're giving up too much exposition. We won't to discover the character through his actions, if he tells us everything about himself on the first page, well... the book's done.

Have him talk to himself in addition to the CAP/NAR boxes to break it up a bit and also the viewer will look at the character more instead of the boxes thereby creating more of a connection.

I've learned the hard way... develop a rhythm with your elements. Limit yourself to five panels a page, keep it sparse and entertaining.

The writing is good, keep it up!

[naffslack]

It reads pretty good, well written. Well done, I'm intrigued

[BrownElfStudios]

yep. I would read it.

[austinjames]

Thanks for the advice! I have taken it into account and changed the dialogue and scene.

I have definitively made it more readable and moved most of the political stuff to the middle after everything is better explained.

Thanks again.